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Ontogeny

by Jason Yellen

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1.
Otogeny 03:10
2.
Passing by time, I am on the outside; the inside, This life is not mine. But, it pushes me along. I am on the outside; the inside. I was informed that I am Just as I am. What am I in? Pushing me along, teasing with chance. A witness to motion, A motion within. Somnambulated, awkwardly here. I wish through strange eyes That this body would feel As if it were mine. I am on the inside of outside, I am at flight. Look at the shell that I’ve shed, It never belonged. My atrophic fit fell the moment it tried to exist. I am at flight from the things that I think of myself. The things that I do, As they are done. Before it swells into guilt, Or melts into shame, I’ll be gone. On the inside of outside “I” doesn’t last long…
3.
What is my machine To wind me a silent veil and hide my primal being? Wrap me in wires, The kinds that spark. I want to be the light inside shining out. The light contained, but blazing hot. The sheen that makes day in night. The kind of shine that shines for you... The thing you think you saw. The thawing look that melts the sought. Inside the light that makes one think, A thought that turns the seeing seen. Wrap me in a veil until I'm a sight You think to see... What is my machine? I'll be a spectacle in glass. You can believe me, I'll wear a flowing transparent mask. You can percieve me, I'll be a beacon of your hidden past. You can even dream me, If you'd pull me inside out. Uproot and destroy me, Cement me new ground. Hollow me! Oh hollowness, All these walls are shapeless. Empty me! Empty me! Veil me in cloth! Make me unreal. What is my machine? Prolong and protect me, When you think of me, I'm you. Embalm and dissect me, When you think of me, I'm through! I am the cut, I wear my bones like jewels on the outside. When you think of me, look up! The thing you think you saw. The thawing look that melts the sought. Inside the light that makes one think, A thought that turns the seeing seen. Wrap me in a veil until I'm a sight You think to see... What is my machine?
4.
Yesterday, I did something wrong, And I knew it too, I hurt someone. I pressed my blade, I saw fear In blazing eyes, red-fire, I was inside. I saw myself. I lost myself. I saw myself. I saw my winding mind, My twisted Truth, But, I don't know why I hurt someone... The things that happen to you Will happen again, Just as they happened before. You can try and transfer the tide Convert ebb into flow, In to outside, Subvert to survive... I hurt someone And all the world inverted. I was soaking, Sky turned Sapphire, The air was sulking, Pulsating cold, I was sublimed, To the edge of nothing, silence itself. My moment of dissolution and erasure Dislocates me. I saw the red blade, the wide eyes. My mind fades. I was at ease. I saw myself. I lost myself. I saw myself. I saw my winding mind, My twisted Truth. But, I don't know why I hurt someone...
5.
Nothing quite holds like The weight of the unsaid; The un-time of being, The dreams of release... You still hear them... You still see them... Hidden traces that lay trails Through sordid and dangerous Forbidden language. Waters are rising, the silence is anxious. Nothing escapes. Forbidden language. You still feel them... You still taste them... The haunting returns of the unsaid, Like ghosts in the air Waging war on the dead. Something will happen, Pray it's a reprieve, Pray as if life could ever un-be. The path of destruction follows us all. Nothing escapes! Do you disavow thee For what you'll destroy? Nothing escapes! Not what you love, Nothing is safe. It's stuck in the cells. Every sun devours all in it's reach Before it swallows itself. Nothing escapes! What will you do? Do you disavow thee, Or open yourself? Waters are rising, the silence anxious. Nothing escapes, Forbidden language...
6.
Don't drop me, You've held me too high. I'd fall fast as a stone in the sky. When I hit the ground, I'd shatter and clang Killing the shadows we claimed; The phantoms we've made When light hit the dark. You could see how I see, These walls can talk. Open me up, I'm straight To the the heart. Let the blindness subside. We're the color of air. You can see through our flesh In the light of our breaths. I surround. I'm surrounded. The world runs right through me Like I am not there. I'm shapeless without you, The color of air. Don't break me With the sun in my hands I'd fall discreetly to pieces Like sprawled grains of sand. I just want you to see how I see. It's all that I ask. Feeling your weight In my body of glass. My body of glass... When you look at me, You can see how you're seen, Like you're deep in my making, A streak from a flame. Our bodies are different, Though they feel the same. In motion together We separately change. We're undefined, a vapor, Same color as air. Playing a form To find reason to care. The world runs right through me, I'm straight to the heart. When light bursts inside me, It pulls me apart. I'm open for you, These walls can talk. See how I see, The perception of how I am shaped? The need of reflection how easy it breaks? I surround. I'm surrounded. The world runs right through me Like I am not there. I'm shapeless without you, The color of air. Don't break me, With the sun in my hands I'd fall discreetly to pieces Like sprawled grains of sand. I just want you to see how I see. It's all that I ask. Feeling your weight In my body of glass. My body of glass...
7.
Midnight 03:15
Sometimes I sneak into the blue night To melt in the pitch of the earth. There behind moonlight, I am one thing of something Made up of time; Call us all midnight. This is our sound, it speaks for the lack of our sight. We wear Night's blue How Water wears its waves, Into the flow, the flow running inside, Where else would we go? All that is apparent is the only thing that is here, Only right now, And it's more than what merely appears. I feel the pulsing wisp of my senses, Electric friction, Crawling within me. Into this blindness, Full and surrounded, nothing left empty. The crickets are chirping The overtones of midnight, And I fall completely Through the blindness of nighttime. So close to silence, We mesh with the air. Only what's apparent! It's exactly what fails to appear. There behind moonlight, I am one thing of something Made up of time; Call us all midnight...
8.
I am in one room with no walls And no way out, alone. Sky-high. Ground-down. A blue light wraps me around. I’m all flesh with no face And no mind, in one sound. I see all sides in one sum at all times, Ground-down. I have but one trait, one play, Deep-laced and blood bound. It keeps me alive, If I survive, I'll be drowning, But, streaming sky-high. Squeezed through a blue light until I am absorbed. The things that once moved me Don’t move me no more. I am in one room with no walls And no way out, alone. Sky-high. Ground-down. A blue light wraps me around. I see the whole world in one space. I sit in one light and dream to escape. One place in my home, it’s always the same. I know just one time, a circular trace. I feel just one thing, my fantasies don’t keep me awake. I head towards one end, Where the blue light never fades. One row with no turns, I’m always safe. One room with no floor, sky-high I await. If I live or die, it’s exactly the same… Squeezed through a blue light Until I am absorbed. The things that once moved me Don’t move me no more. I am in one with no walls And no way out, alone. Sky-high. Ground-down. A blue light wraps me around. If the world lives or dies, it’s exactly the same… Squeezed through a blue light Until I am absorbed. The things that once moved me Don’t move me know more...
9.
Pulling into myself, without a dream. Always awake as the pressing sun Wrestles my being. Is a grim-faded light darker than night? The slow drip of the day Consumes the motion Of life. You can't open yourself, Too braced to your bones. The world's become a killer And it wants you alone. Trapped at a dead end As Death claims the winds. You're gasping for air. Where you once found desire You now find despair. Buried into myself, without a dream. A hole that I've dug For my bones and me. This is how you survive. You writhe in a silence so deep The world won't know you're alive. A sheath of dead skin to take cover And hide. Stay quiet! Pulling into myself, without a dream. Always awake as the pressing sun Wrestles my being. Destroying myself, braced to my bones. Erasing my body to stay safe and alone. Eternal return... Your field of relations, Deep-rooted in the future of language, Is suddenly gone. You can't speak subsequently With no proof of the dawn. Trapped in the nowhere That's hollowed us all. All that you wonder's If the threat of today Has swallowed tomorrow. Same harrowing world Hungry for slaughter. The insatiable grave Turning us inward and haunted. And when it's all over, What can you become? So tight to the bones, You may never look up. Buried into myself, without a dream. A hole that I've dug For my bones and me. This is how you survive. You writhe in a silence so deep The world won't know you're alive. A sheath of dead skin to take cover And hide. Stay quiet! Pulling into myself, without a dream. Always awake as the pressing sun Wrestles my being. Destroying myself, braced to my bones. Erasing my body to stay safe and alone. Eternal return... This is how you survive. Stay quiet!
10.
I want to be still At the whim of desire. Self-abandoned, but moved by the intent winds that'll take me. Freed by inertia. What grows inside me? I want to be still at the whim of desire... The only motion, my longing, The want to be wanted, To be pulled away from myself Through someone else’s dream. I’d be still as a stone In that perpetual stream. Someone take me until I am: Out of my reach, Out of my depth, Out of my flesh. Let this fire catch me, Lay me ablaze in the dried “Leaves Of Grass,” I’ll grow and I’ll change. There’s no such thing as a body That lives through only one name. Lay me ablaze. I’m fuel to the flame. There’s no such thing as a body That lives through only one name. Lay me ablaze. I’m fuel to the flame. There’s no such thing as a body That lives through only one name. Lay me ablaze… This is where all things fall. Bottom of the soul, the molten core. The birthing fire, The bread of Spring. The rising heat’s the breath of life. Lay me in an open field Until the roving grass Grows over me. I'll surrender! Lilacs and embers; Iris and grass On flesh made or cinder. Oh! I surrender! I surrender! Falling in place by Displacing myself. Flaying the skin, Retracing its touch With what I wish that I was. What do you dream of? I dream of desire, The hints in my body And how they're designed. The way that it breaks me And splits up my life. Right there in the grass. Right there in the grass... Right there in the grass Where I'm surrounded, I'll grow and I'll change. Lay me ablaze. I'm fuel to the flame. There's no such thing as a body That lives through only one name. Lay me ablaze... Right there in the grass, Lay me ablaze. I'll grow and I'll change. Lay me ablaze. Right there in the grass, Lay me ablaze. I want to be still At the whim of desire. Self-abandoned, but moved by the intent winds that'll take me. Freed by inertia. What grows inside me? I want to be still at the whim of desire...
11.
How do I know what I know? How does my know-how know when? What if I don’t know when to know how? I am in a transition of Truth that won’t change. It continues, it pervades. Do I or does it invade? Against the Truth, against the myself, Something slips, something moves, A knowing unknown. I have nothing but something to prove. There is something somewhere that isn’t there. I can’t find it out of myself. It is nothing but something to lose. After the fact an absence precedes The actual matter of fact. But, how’d we matter the fact? Me? I’ve been trailing myself, don’t know where I’m at. Chasing ideas to find my way back. The pulp of the fruit, The proof is unseen but felt in the act of the act. You and I are the matter that matter has lacked, To marry matter to a transitive act. As an absolute matter of fact. So, it seems we matter the facts. This matters after the fact. Each of us, a body that holds. Is it all that it does? No body, nothing will grow… How do I know what I know? How does my know-how know when? What if I don’t know when to know how? Against the Truth, against myself, Something slips, something moves. A knowing unknown. I know the unknown Like I feel the invisible comfort of home. The sum of the parts lost in the whole. Out of the Truth, chasing a hope. No space in the world to leave me alone. Each to their own. But, what do you own? My mother dreamt me before giving me bones. A knowing unknown. Out of the Truth there’s something I hold, You and I, We can turn silence to soul. To each their own. But, what do you own? My father sought me before I was born. You and I, it’s how we were formed. How do I know what I know? How does my know-how know when? What if I don’t know when to know how? To each their own But what do you own? My mother dreamt me before giving me bones. How do I know what I know? How does my know-how know when? What if I don’t know when to know how? To each their own. But what do you own? My father sought me before I was born. A knowing unknown. How do I know what I know? How does my know-how know when? What if I don’t know when to know how? I am in a transition of Truth that won’t change. It continues, it pervades. Do I or does it invade?
12.
I don't hold you as close as I probably should, Like when we were young and felt A sense of each other, A glimpse of myself as desire, Becoming the hidden inside Into the care that runs deep in the creation of minds. To feel time is to suffer... I don't hold you as close as I probably should. We stay deep in a distance Where expanses run inwards Through havens of oneness, Expanding and endless With no restrictions of actual space. Our vague sense of withness, Akin to the dance of the leaves In a transient wind, Is suddenly gone, But, we are just where we always have been. I feel us fracture. The fissures winding around Like rows in a maze. I no longer wish to be in the depths Of each thing that you say. There are no more separations, No distance, no space As the places that made us All fade away. When a body loses such mass Can the soul stay the same? It's strange, somehow all things, but sameness, remain. Every last layer of life, like seeds missing the Spring, Caught in between the width of one world, drifting apart. It's strange how all things, but sameness, always remain... I don't hold you as close as I probably should...
13.
Are you ever coming home? I've been waiting, dying slow. The changes time makes lets me know the future's a fools game because nothing holds. And soon, I too, must let go. Even the sun fades in time. Don't you know that I suffered for you just so you could feel trust, a sense of what's good? I offered something to you, lets call it love. Did you feel it too? Well, maybe somethings will see their way through... I never meant to weigh against you, leaving you anchored in place. The edge of my motions trapped at the foot of your chase. I'm entropy's pull, what have I done? All this disorder, but nothing really escapes. Even light moves through space. Are you ever coming home? I've been waiting, dying slow. The changes time makes lets me know the future's a fools game because nothing holds. And soon, I too, must let go. Even the sun fades in time. Old as I am, I've watched the world shed many finite strands. Just as it should. just as day follow day, I lay dreaming through twilights end, just as a I should, the fool that I am. I've squeezed life's love through dying hands. Feeling the cold earth rush rush through my veins. I've held sorrow how bent trees hold the past winds. Old as I am, I've shed parts of myself like a snake molting its skin. But, I've always remained, running dumbly through time until I felt each side of its frame. Who would of known, there's such futures to the things you un-think? Entropy's pull, all this disorder, but nothing really escapes. Even the dead awake in new states. I hear you when I say what I say, I speak through your voice. just as day informs day, we'll flow through each other even as we're unmade. Nothing you know will always be know the same way. Nothing at all. It keeps me awake, to think of the things we may no longer think. Entropy's pull, all this disorder, but nothing really escapes. Even the earth changes its shape. Are you ever coming home? I've been waiting, dying slow. The changes time makes lets me know the future's a fools game because nothing holds. And soon, I too, must let go. Even the sun fades in time.
14.
In The Blood 03:59
I'm in the blood; You're in the world. I know you never are What my body is. I'm in the bones; You're in the air. I know you never feel What my body does. I am afraid of myself, Afraid to be known. Don't notice my motions. Don't notice me still. I am not as you are, Pouring through life, Free and so clean. I creep through the body To the space beneath dreams. I am a secret. I am a sorrow. I am reproach... But, maybe you aren't free, And maybe I am. Maybe you aren't so clean And maybe I am. Maybe my body doesn't Work like a man's. I'm in the blood; You're in the world. I know you never are What my body is. I'm in the bones; You're in the air. I know you never feel What my body does. Could we ever be the same? Your bright eyes feeding the earth. I grow deeper and strange. I am ashamed of myself. The way I feel wants, The way that I feel, This need to desire, My wish to be real. I am not as you are, Pouring through life Like some cycle of nature, Making your way Between growth and decay. I am a shield, A sheath, always un-naked. Always unseen. I am not clean. Dripping in flesh Replacing myself, A quiet machine. I am a purpose. I am a mission. I am incomplete... But, maybe you aren't free, And maybe I am. Maybe you aren't so clean And maybe I am. Maybe my body doesn't Work like a man's. I'm in the blood; You're in the world. I know you never are What my body is. I'm in the bones; You're in the air. I know you never feel What my body does... I am not as you are...

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released July 11, 2020

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Jason Yellen New York

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